My 30th wedding anniversary is quickly approaching. Just typing that is seemingly unbelievable. Unbelievable in that it doesn’t seem possible to be that old, and unbelievable that someone has tolerated me for that long! I’m not sure which is more improbable.
Ruth has more patience that any person I know, to put up with me and my son. I’m lucky beyond words when I look backwards and forward with the life we have built.
Ruth and I struck up a conversation with a waitress recently. We were discussing marriage and relationship. That waitress said that the key to marriage was “a limitless amount of patience.” It was as if she knew me!
Long time editor of The News-Sentinel in Fort Wayne, Indiana and friend Kerry Hubartt touched on the depth of marital relationships in a column he wrote while I was leading that newspaper. Kerry’s commentary on the death of his 97 year old father only days before, and his relationship with his wife as they approach their 50th wedding anniversary has stayed with me.
My wife has never wanted to think about losing me, much less talk about it. But she’s the one who brought it up late one night as we were lying down to sleep after a day of making the final plans for Dad’s funeral.
“I just can’t imagine losing you,” she said. “But it’s going to happen to one of us someday.”
“I know,” I whispered, punctuating the reply with a heavy sigh. And we held hands softly as we tried to put that thought out of our minds, and we drifted off to sleep.
When you get older, I suppose it is only natural to think of dying. I never had the opportunity to speak with my parents about it, but it seems only normal that they had the same thoughts. Laying in bed next to my wife, thinking about a future where death is an increasing factor is just a reality of being 50+. So is attending services at the local funeral home, consoling friends and family who have had a loved one pass. And so it goes again this weekend, as I make plans for a funeral instead of something much happier.
Both my parents and one sibling have passed. I certainly miss them all, especially surrounding special holidays or events. In fact, today would have been my father’s 87th birthday. But those emotions are nothing compared to the thought of losing a spouse. I’m typically not the person that dwells on this type of subject. I’m not in denial, but I’d rather focus on living. To quote Jimmy Buffett, “I’d rather die while I’m living then live while I’m dead.”
What started this line of thought is a new Netflix original called Dead To Me. I won’t spoil the plot line’s ending, but simply say that the show is set up as two women that are struggling through grief and the death of a husband. The show has its normal storytelling twists to keep you interested and entertained, but it also shows the grieving process and just how damn difficult it is to lose someone close to you.
I can only image but it is those little moments like Kerry described that I think I would miss the most if my spouse would go first; laying in bed next to each other or simply holding hands. I’ve witnessed this first hand with friends and family who have been in similar situations, a situation that if you have a relationship you or your partner eventually experience too.
It is good to have options. I cannot recommend enough the book Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience and Finding Joy. I purchased this book to help with overcoming stress and adversity in my life, not realizing it was a book written by and for people that have lost family members. It worked for me and my stress, and I think it can help you too.
I have many friends and family members that struggle with the grief and depression that comes with losing someone close. That pain is real, and no one should minimize it; and I’m certainly not doing it here. But that book, a counselor at church or friends down the street — someone, somewhere can help you. As the Option B book points out, Sandberg and Grant write:
“We plant the seeds of resilience in the ways we process negative events. After spending decades studying how people deal with setbacks, psychologist Martin Seligman found that the three P’s can stunt recovery: (1) personalization – the belief that we are at fault; (2) pervasiveness – the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and (3) permanence – the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.”
I think the waitress was right, about marriage and how we treat ourselves. Dealing with grief and the loss of a loved one means you have to have limitless amounts of patience for yourself too.
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